RoommateBlog

An Introduction

This is a weblog devoted to the study of my roommate. All names will be changed to protect the weird and eccentric. For this reason, I will refer to my roommate as "James". Hopefully, by reading this, you will be introduced to the personality and daily habits of a truly odd individual that I have the unique privilege of being assigned to share a 14.5 x 11 ft. cell/dorm room with. At this point, my roommate is unaware of the existence of this blog, which could make things interesting if/when he finds out, so don't spoil all the fun by telling him. Enjoy!

Confirmation

Today my suspicions were confirmed. Apparently, my roommate does not take any classes. This would probably explain why he has no books, why I haven't seen him use his backpack once this semester, and why he is able to disappear for entire days at a time. I wish I had no classes, because it would really help to eliminate the stress of doing something meaningful with my life, and it would enable me to get a good job that has awesome health benefits, like free band-aids when you burn yourself on the hamburger grill.

The Departure

James made his typical Friday morning/afternoon departure today, taking all his clothes home with him for the weekend, as usual. For many people, packing up all of your clothing for a simple weekend trip home might seem like a lot of work, but, using a superior intellect I could only dream of acquiring, my roommate has devised an ingenious solution to the problem of packing. He simply never unpacks. Instead of using drawers, or hangers, or anything so primitive, Jim just lives out of a black duffel bag, kind of like a hobo. The only difference is the average hobo has more clothes than my roommate does.

I can understand why my roommate would be in a hurry to get home after a long week of surfing the Internet, not going to classes, and sleeping 14 hours a day, so it makes sense that he is always prepared for a quick getaway. Maybe he's in the Witness Protection Program, or maybe it's a habit he picked up while spending his childhood working as a sideshow in the traveling circus. Life with my roommate is just full of little mysteries like that.

Sniff Sniff

Jimbo stores his deodorant on a shelf above his computer, between a speaker and the complete Monty Python's Flying Circus DVD boxed set. It appears to have never been used.

Priorities

James sets a new record for shortest time to initiate wrestling-watching on his computer, starting at the door with all his clothes and the computer off, and ending 12.62 seconds later bathed in the warm glow of chair-bashing goodness.

Princess Fantasies

12 pieces of duct tape is apparently insufficient to hold Jim's poster of Disney princesses to the ceiling above his bed. Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Jasmine must be heavier than their anorexic forms would imply.

Comatose

Jim has not moved in a long time. I think he may be dead.

Comatose II

After repeated prodding with a wire hanger, Jim rolls over, mumbling something about the Little Mermaid. Apparently he was not dead.

It Moves

Little Jimmy got out of bed and crawled to his computer. He has too many pressing matters to attend to before being bothered with registering for classes. Yahoo Messenger needs him. However, the shower apparently does not.

Practice

Jimbo apparently decided to practice in case he ever has an early class. He successfully managed to turn his alarm off and lay back down without ever waking up. Next on his busy agenda: actually registering for a class to sleep through.

Poor Backpack

I feel sorry for Jim's backpack. It sits lonely and neglected; not nearly as important as the essential duffel bag, and hardly more popular than the never-used hangers in the closet. Maybe I'll take the backpack for a walk tomorrow, just so it doesn't forget what it feels like to carry books and go to class. Then again, maybe I should take Jim for a walk so he doesn't forget either.

Clean Jimmy

James took a shower. I didn't realize it was that time of the month already.

The Hawaiian Invasion

Despite having very few clothes, the ones Jimbo does have seem to be planning a strategic offensive maneuver, designed to cripple my side of the room and render my hangers and drawers useless. The Hawaiian shirts have been slowly creeping towards me for the past 3 days; I think they're getting ready for a sneak attack. Good thing I keep a hanger under my pillow to defend myself.

The Abandoned Underwear

After 64.2 seconds of packing and getting ready, James headed home again today, leaving behind 5 empty soda bottles, 2 Styrofoam food containers, and 1 pair of boxer shorts on his desk. He also left many questions, like did he manage to register for any classes before today's cutoff, will he last the whole semester, and why isn't he wearing his underwear? Only time will tell the answers (some of which I would rather remain a mystery).

Glorious Return

Jimbo stumbles in, swigging a Pepsi and mumbling about Yahoo Messenger. +1 bottle for his collection.

Jimmy's Little Problem

The RA pulled Little Jimmy out into the hallway to talk. I fear his secret may be out, and he may have to actually register for classes, or we may risk losing RoommateBlog. I think it's unfair to expect a student living in the dorms to actually enroll in the school. I mean, who wouldn't want to pay thousands of dollars to be put in a little room, where they serve you bad food, and your roommate secretly catalogs your every move on the Internet for complete strangers to read?

Alarm

Why does James have his alarm set to go off in the morning if he doesn't have any classes and just goes back to sleep? The world may never know.

Nap Time for Jimmy

Jim has fallen asleep at his computer watching wrestling. I guess sleeping for 12 hours last night, and then typing on Yahoo Messenger all day really wore him out. Poor guy.

Jimbo's New Aspirations

Jimbo has yet to unpack his towel, which means he has not yet ventured into the scary land where water pours from the wall and smells magically disappear. Though he is trying very hard, this record may be hard to beat.

Day 12

It is now the 12th class day of the semester, and Jimmy has yet to actually attend a class. I think he has the potential to go the distance, and go for a full semester without actually entering a classroom.

Lord of the Dance

1. One who is enrolled or attends classes at a school, college, or university.
2. 1. One who studies something: a student of contemporary dance.
   2. An attentive observer: a student of world affairs.

I don't think spending all day reading eBay qualifies James as a student of world affairs, but despite the fact that he attends no classes, he has received 3 credit card offers in the past week, all advertising their great "Special Student Offer!" with a low 89.5% APR. Obviously that means that means that James must actually be a student of contemporary dance. Sitting in a chair all day must be part of his new modern interpretive dance routine. Damn he's good. I just thought he was lazy, but now I realize that I'm in the presence of genius.

The Numbers

• 0 - Classes attended
• 0 - Showers taken
• 1 - Unused stick of deodorant still on his shelf
• 3 - Empty soda bottles added to his "collection"
• 5 - Straight hours playing Age of Empires
• 6 - Blog entries dedicated to him
• 11 - Hours of wrestling watched
• 23 - Hours spent on eBay
• 62.5 - Hours of sleep (average of 12.5 hrs/night)
• 7,000 - Wasted tuition dollars
• 432,000 - Seconds spent mastering the art of being a dirty slacker